So let me tell you how I almost ruined Valentine’s Day yesterday or at least ruined it for part of the night…
Fred made the evening so special for our whole family. He got home from work kicked me out of the kitchen and made us his version of “happy meals” but called them “love meals,” with delicious homemade burgers, fries, and just like a traditional happy meal comes with a special toy he had a special gift for each of us.
Isn’t he just the sweetest? Gift giving and making others feels loved is his specialty, mine, not so much.
I struggle with gift giving, I don’t like to buy Fred gifts, I’ve sadly done it through the years mostly out of obligation, not just with Fred but with the boys too. Christmas shopping is a nightmare, everything I pick out I buy with hesitation and with the thought in my head that this will only bring momentary happiness and will end up in the trash or collecting dust sooner or later.
While yes that may be true, and it makes sense according to my minimalist ideology; I’ve selfishly been missing the point and have made the excuse of being a terrible gift giver so that I don’t have work at it or better yet not spend money. I’ve sadly missed opportunities to bless Fred, my boys and others in the name of sticking it to consumerism. Oh but when it comes to shopping for me I’m all for supporting Capitalism… Such a hypocrite!
So about how I almost ruined yesterday, I wasn’t planning on buying Fred anything for Valentine’s Day but because he had already given me 2 other gifts earlier in the week, I was like, Oh crap, let me head to the store, the guilt was real ya’ll. So in my “thoughtfulness” I bought Fred an oven mitten and a pot holder because he’s been getting really into this baking bread thing and we don’t own oven mittens, which is why I have a thousand burn scars on my wrists… Anyways he opened the gift and he kindly said thanks, he opened the card I picked out which I though was hilarious because I have the best sense of humor and all he did was smile and say, “Thank you.”
How dare he not laugh or express gratitude in a more dramatic way, does he not know how I went out of my way (last minute) to buy him this gift and express my love for him… So I was angry. After dinner we sent the boys to bed and how a typical Valentines night should go between lovers did not.
Instead we laid in bed, I expressed my hurt for him not being excited about the gift, like many of our conflicts I made this all about me, me, me, you hurt me, you don’t appreciate me, etc… My selfish anger completely blinded me of how thoughtful he had been to make the night special for all of us, cook for us, lavish us with gifts, the date from the weekend?
And then he dropped the bomb on me that left me at a loss for words and left us both in tears.
Fred had seen right through me all these years, how thoughtless I had been over and over when I’d buy him anything, and called it a gift. Ouch. I’m sure I have bought a good gift here or there or at least what I thought was good but I realized I had to change and I had to face the fact that I’ve been lazy in this area and I had to apologize.
Fred was gracious, I asked how he did it, how does he know how to get me the perfect gift every time. He said he studies me, he takes notes of what I say, what I point out when we’re out, what current things I’m into. He also said around the holidays he’ll sometimes drop hints for me here or there to give me ideas on what to buy him, sadly anytime he’s shown me something he wants I’ve inwardly given him the eye roll or just zoned it out…
So I’m making a vow to be a better gift giver, to do it out of love and consideration and not obligation. I want to work on making Fred feel loved and special because he does that with me over and over and not just with gifts.
After a long night and a hard conversation, I was able to see my wrongs, ask for forgiveness and move forward with a practical way to put what we talked to into practice. I’m realizing these moments are what people mean when they say marriage is hard work, these moments are what bond us and make us stronger. Thankfully because we were able to work out our conflict we were able to end Valentines night the way it should between lovers…
